It’s 3 A.M in the morning and I can’t seem to catch sight of my bus to sleep.
I am restless; turning and tossing in bed.
I put my head under the pillow,
To try and get some sleep in vain.
I close my eyes but all I see is you. Your handsome face staring at me,
Your alluring beautiful smile that made my soul lighten up,
Your slim Muscular body dressed in a black shirt and sweatpants,
Your clean-shaven beard,
And the icing on the cake;
Your tiny brown eyes that sparkled when something excited you,
I remember how much fun I used to make at your petite irresistible lips,
And you had to remind me how your mum gave you food with a tea spoon because a table spoon couldn’t fit in your mouth.
In a silent dead night,
All I can hear is your laughter,
Echoing in my room.
I can hear your voice whispering to me,
Telling me how much you miss me.
Even in the dark, your skin glows,
Drawing me close to you.
I can feel your gentle touch on my body,
And my oh my!
I still reminisce that day,
When you held me in your arms,
So tight but yet with utmost care,
You closed the distance between us,
And all I could think of was you,
Lots of crazy fantasies running through my mind,
Your Lips brushed against mine,
And I got lost in your world.
And when you kissed me,
I couldn’t help but tighten my grip on your neck,
Damn you were so sweet!
Sweeter than my favourite Choco-chip flavoured ice cream.
I couldn’t get enough of you,
I knew I liked you very much but I was afraid.
Because, slowly by slowly you broke down my walls,
But I couldn’t break yours.
I couldn’t even find them,
You couldn’t let me in.
From the way you kissed me I could tell how much you wanted me,
I felt at peace as I stood close to you,
Playing with the soft hairs on your chest,
You knew I loved them, that’s why your shirt was halfway unbuttoned,
I didn’t even want the other girls to get a glimpse of it.
I was so caught up in the moment,
Glad that I had you in my arms,
That I didn’t notice you slip away,
At times when I looked into your eyes,
All I could see was darkness,
I couldn’t make out your life or the person you really were,
Even though you shone a light on me.
You were close but still far away,
So dear but still a stranger.
I might be crazy,
But I know I’m not wrong,
Wrong about what I feel in my heart.
I just want to talk you,
Know how you are doing,
Hear your voice,
But how can I?
The other day I called,
Pretending to check up on you
But Something seemed off
You sounded bored, casual and angry,
Like my courtesy call was being a bother,
Then I heard her voice
“Baby who is that calling in the middle of the night?” she asked.
“It’s no one probably a wrong number, let’s go back to sleep” you replied.
A no one?
That one statement kept echoing in my mind.
I knew about her,
But from what you told me it was ‘nothing serious’,
But then again, if it wasn’t,
What the hell was she doing there?
Occupying a spot that was supposed to be mine?
And even after the incident you never bothered to give an explanation and lie to me.
When did I even become this girl who accepted to be put second?
Or bear with such crap
Am so mad at myself and mad at you.
Mad at myself because I let you in,
Mad because we never were on the same page!,
Mad because my expectations were too high,
Mad because I fell so hard
And now am sinking at the bottom of my feelings and emotions,
Crushed and left to sulk agonising in pain.
I swore to never let my heart burn in the wrong hands but here I am again,
Repeating the same mistake,
I’m mad at you for choosing me!
Why did it have to be me?
And what hurts the most,
Is that you are perfectly okay,
You aren’t even aware that you have torn someone’s heart apart,
While my heart sinks relishing in the wreckage you caused I balance on edge of staying sane almost losing my mind,
And Losing myself
All because of you,
I know I don’t mean much to you,
Or barely mean anything to you,
But I wish you knew how much It freaking hurts
Sitting here thinking about you,
Wishing you’d call or text,
Wishing you’d tell me that you want me
That you need me
But you never do
Do I ever cross your mind?
Do you think about the beautiful moments we shared together?
Am jealous of her,
Jealous because it should be me.
I am supposed to be the one for you,
The one you love,
The one you think of
The one to settle down with,
I am going crazy over you,
Does it really matter though?
You have her,
And I can never be her
I could never be with you.
While I’m here thinking of you,
You are thinking of someone else.
Yesterday, I stalked her,
Saw her wearing a t-shirt with your name on it,
You do know I also know how to read, right?
I read her comment on your Instagram post
“Looking good love” It said.
Your reply was an emoji…
Maybe that’s a sign that you aren’t that into her.
But it didn’t make me feel any better.
My heart almost burst with envy…
I don’t know why you chose her.
I wish I could change things, but…
It’s so hard to control how my heart feels.
What my heart wants…
Maybe some day you will be mine,
Or maybe you won’t…
I’ll sit here crying my eyes out
Allowing myself to become one with Hurt,
Tormenting myself with a thousand questions such as why it had to be her and not me.
I know one day I will get over you,
One day my tears won’t fall for you,
One day you will be nothing but a long lost memory at the back of my mind,
But before that day…
As of now,