Let’s talk about booty

A friend calls from the States and asks about the latest trends in Nairobi and I tell her about big bums, loop earrings and fake eyelashes.

To begin with, I don’t even know how ladies survive with fake eyelashes! I pluck mine like all the time especially when I’m bored or stressed. Wait, I think it’s a family thing. My sister used to pluck hers as part of the guess work in school. If she plucked one the answer was A, two the answer B, more than four? I wish she was here to answer that. So you can imagine how embarrassed It would be if I pluck them out on a date or in a meeting. In addition to that, my clumsy trait may be me accidentally putting the glue in my eyes or poking them with the tube. So, let me stick to the natural eyelashes for now.

I have accepted the will of God in certain aspects of my life but my feet! That is something I’m yet to come to terms with. You see, I have short ugly feet that lack nails! That means I can’t apply nail polish or wear sandals! If we had feet for a face, then no one would look at me. I repeat no one!

“What do you mean by big behinds? Molly asks cracking up.

“Everyone nowadays seemingly has a big nyash and if not big, it’s somewhere close to that. Even those with a small one make it appear big. It’s almost as if people go somewhere and get plastered with one”

“Is it that serious?” She asks bursting into laughter.

“Yeah it is. You should walk around town and see these ladies. The way some walk…It’s like the big booty comes with a funny walking style to allow for more than just noticing it. Some walk as if they want to leave it behind. Others, you’d mistakenly think they have a vibrator in it because of all the vigorous shaking! Then for a discount; they are offered an extremely ugly attitude, ‘how to’ lessons on how to draw their eyebrows, an appetite for rich guys and a repulsive dress code. Others don’t even wear undies!”

“Oh my goodness! Am dying of laughter right now! I guess I’m missing out on a lot of things. But the undies thingy…why would a lady walk without one or is it because they want to be ready for action just in case?”

“Hell no! That can’t be the reason. I don’t think it even takes long to remove one. And yeah, you are missing out on a lot. Nowadays, I don’t even stare at ass anymore. I think I have seen enough to last me a lifetime. But I bet dudes can never have enough of that”.

“They can’t. You know they are walking hormones and visual creatures too, so…I don’t know why people are obsessed with a big behind anyway! Most girls’ workout to tone and shape their ass, most dudes want ladies with an ass and they seemingly get a lot of likes, followers and attract a lot of attention.”

“Yeah it’s like having a big derriere is the coolest thing in town.”

True. You are saying you don’t look at ass anymore? The man in you will slowly die”

“I doubt if he can. I’ll be giving him a sneak peek once in a while.”

(Trust me you wouldn’t want to hear the rest of the conversation)

Anyway, in my Town or let’s say country, bums are overrated. Ladies who know or have an idea that they have an ass that can be looked at twice, irrespective of how small it is, will walk with their head held high as if they have won a jackpot. You would even think they breathe flavored oxygen. What’s the big deal about having a big behind anyway? Don’t they all perform the same function irrespective of their size?

The society has made it seem as if ladies need to have a small waist, a small stomach and a big booty. Honestly, people have lost the idea of beauty. These days, beauty is all about the physical appearance, the make-up, the dressing code, the style, the shoes, the hair, you name it. But is that the real definition of beauty?

In 2009, American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery revealed that there were more than 5,000 legal buttock lift and implant procedures carried out. The number of illegal treatments? Not yet known.

In Kenya, Ladies have gone to an extent of taking pills, applying certain products, going for surgery, using ARVs, wearing body shapers, eating fatty foods and taking poultry feeds! All that for a big bum or a curvy body. Do they consider how harmful some practices could affect their health? I doubt.

Is the problem peer pressure? The need to be like other people? The trends? Low self-esteem or is it because ladies are getting loads of pressure from men?

I believe that our lives don’t have to revolve around behinds. There is more to life than that and personally am tired of seeing such ladies staggering in town and boasting like the fattened cows of Bashan. I know we always want to look good and glamorous but some things are just too much.

A big caboose can attract a man but it can’t make him stay. If a man decides to cheat, he will go ahead and do it irrespective of your size. If he decides to dump you, he will do exactly that. If he loved you because you were thick and all sexied up, the next time he sees a finer nyash, he will be on his feet ready for the chase again.

In my opinion, I think we don’t have to obsess about big behinds that much. It’s time we started re-learning what beauty is and giving a priority to things that deserve to be prioritized. Some ladies need to start focusing on important issues in life, like being smart, strong, thoughtful, prayerful, kind, considerate and being intelligent rather than being attractive, pretty and purposeless.

Lastly, beauty is beyond the skin, clothes and the physical appearance. Beauty comes from within you.

Society judges people according to how attractive or beautiful they are when in reality, it’s the heart that determines how beautiful or ugly we are. And no matter what you can’t sugar coat or make-up your heart to make it more beautiful and pleasing.

It’s not the size of the butt that matters but the size of the heart.

To those ladies who walk as if they are the first ones to have a big caboose, sit down, be humble. You are neither the first nor will you be the last.

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THE LIGHT IN THE DARK

Hey, I hope you have been well, welcome.

Thank you, I’ve been okay, you?

I am good, thanks for asking. You know that you don’t have to smile and lie to me that you are okay…

Yeah I do.

You look good…I love your blouse. I know it’s very hot outside, you can take any drink of your choice from the fridge.

Thank you, I will.

So how is everything?

Not bad I suppose.

By now I think you have already known and understood that, it’s okay not to be okay. If things are not well, it’s very okay to say that.

Yeah I know that, thanks for the reminder.

I can see you are making progress…do you still have a problem opening up to people?

Yes, I do but I think I am trying.

Do you try to make more friends or socialise?

I think I do but not that much.

Why?

I suppose am okay with the few friends I have. Sometimes you let people in and they end up messing your life so I’d rather remain with the few.

Speaking of friends, do you talk with them?

Yeah I do, but not that often.

Why?

From time to time I get so caught up with the hustle and the struggles in life and I forget to check up on them but I always try my best to do so. Though most times I feel as if I am a burden or a bother to them.

Why would you feel that way?

I think it’s because I never have good news. It’s either something bad happened at home, work or money issues and I feel that it’s just too much and that I should keep my problems to myself.

You know it’s important to speak up right?

Absolutely but…

You should stop pitying and blaming yourself for everything you go through. We all have our own battles to fight. Even when you get knocked down you have to get up and continue fighting. It doesn’t matter whether you lose. What matters is that you at least tried.

Sure, that’s true.

Is that why you haven’t told them about your condition?

Yes…

Because you feel as if you are becoming a bother?

Yeah.

But you know at the end of the day you need to talk to someone. No matter how strong you are, you just can’t keep everything to yourself. Those small issues will pile up and slowly by slowly they will start consuming you again. Has any of them told you that you are a bother to them?

No. But I feel that way often.

What if what your feeling is wrong?

That will be unfortunate. It’s just that I don’t want to be that person who always has issues. It’s like everyone’s life is just moving on well, but mine…mine feels stagnant.

I know you are not there yet but things will fall into place soon. Are your friends honest with you? Do they talk about what’s going on in their life?

Yeah, but not that much. I think they mostly talk about the good things except for one who talks about the good and the bad.

And I think that’s why you feel as if you have nothing good to talk about right?

Yeah.

Well, you shouldn’t beat yourself up because of that. Maybe they also have issues but they are not okay opening up about them.

Yeah, I get it.

But apart from that you need to open up more often, cry if you need to, sing or put your feelings down on paper. Do you talk to your mum? Like do you tell her about what you are going through?

We talk. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. I don’t want to stress her out.

You are a fixer. You love fixing things and sometimes you think you can fix people. In as much as you think you are in control, you also need help. You can mend yourself but you also need other people by your side to walk with you through your healing journey. I know you have trust issues, but could you be more honest and open up a little bit more?

It’s not going to be easy but I will try.

And please don’t feel as if you are a bother to people, especially to the friends you trust. I know it hasn’t been easy, but as I told you before. Things do change. Your life can change in the twinkling of an eye. So, despite of the situation that you are in, remember tomorrow will not be the same as today.

True…

And keep holding on, don’t give up. When you feel as if you are done or as if your life has come to an end, get back on your knees and pray. Ask God to give you the strength to handle whatever it is that comes your way. You know you cannot make it on your own right?

Yeah, I know that. I always pray, well most of the times I do.

Always remember to do that. At some point you said that you feel as if your life is stagnant?

Yeap.

I know we have had this conversation before, but you have to stop comparing yourself to other people. Our timing is different. Just because you are not there yet, doesn’t mean that you won’t get there. It’s a journey, it might be slow, but you will get there eventually. Everything in life, happens according to your clock. You’re not falling behind, it’s just not your time. So be patient, keep on improving yourself, perfect your skills, do what you can on your side to move forward and God will do his part and before you realize it, everything will have fallen into place.

Thanks for reminding me that.

I can see you are making some progress on self-love and care?

Hehe yeah I am, I am learning to put myself first and to love myself more. I realized that I always put myself last and almost forgot how important I was. I am learning to take care of my heart and my soul as well… basically everything that has to do with me.

I am proud of you; you are going to make it.

Thank you for believing in me.

You are welcome, you are stronger than you know it. And from your diary I understand that most of the time you feel as if you are lonely?

I thought we weren’t supposed to talk about that today!

Haha true but it’s important to address it. Once you start opening up more, talking with your friends, socializing and going out more you will feel better. You have to spend more time with people and give them a chance to be in your life. But do you know many people are lonely it’s just that they can’t admit it?

Yeah I know, I was even telling my friend about that the other day.

And that’s why people are getting hurt. We are so scared of being lonely and urgently feel the need to have somebody by our side even if it’s for the wrong reasons. Don’t let loneliness be the reason someone gets hurt, okay?

Okay…

Love will find you when you are not desperately looking for it. And remember, you were beautiful before a man said you were and you were loved before a man said the three words. Never peg your happiness on someone. I hope you also know that a relationship doesn’t equal happiness. It’s up to you to make you happy. And just because you are not in one, doesn’t mean that you are not loved. As I said before, everything takes time and don’t spend time fighting for something that wasn’t meant for you. Time will tell.

I believe it will. Thanks again.

You know am always here for you. I will see you again during the next visit, in case of anything call me. Okay?

Okay, I will. Thanks again. Bye and say hi to Lily for me.

I will. You can visit her anytime you are free.

That’s a good idea. See you soon.

Broken but healing

Growing up, everything seemed to break me.

My biological dad broke me when he left my mum and I.

He broke me when he wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most,

He broke me when he failed to support me,

And provide my basic needs.

Broke me when he didn’t give the love and affection I needed.

When I thought I had a second chance to be loved right and get treated like a princess,

My step dad broke me.

He broke me when he didn’t show a single act of care or love at the least,

He broke me when he made alcohol his first priority,

He broke me when he abused my mum; both physically and emotionally,

He broke me when he always shouted and screamed at her over nothing,

His violence broke me.

He broke me when he made us have sleepless nights.

I never wanted the days to come to an end, because the nights were always sad, long and cruel.

The monster I heard in stories didn’t live under my bed,

But lived with us and at night he got the power to torment and haunt us,

Making our lives miserable.

I always cried myself to sleep,

The tears, sobs and my pillow were all I had.

I wanted to protect my mum, keep her safe, but how would I?

I was tiny; my little hands could do nothing.

I was helpless.

A piece of my heart broke.

At school, teachers expected the best from me,

And when I couldn’t deliver to their expectations,

Some told me that I was nothing and that I wouldn’t make it

A piece of my heart broke.

I looked okay, but deep down I was slowly crumbling down,

As early as the age of nine.

Whenever I went out to play with other kids,

They would laugh at me and make jokes about my step dad,

They would question why he was always drunk, soiled in dirt,

And carried by the watchmen to our house.

I never knew what to tell them.

So as they laughed, I broke a little more inside.

Some even laughed at the fact that I was fat

And ‘kanono’ became my name.

I couldn’t go outside and play with the kids anymore,

So I stayed at home reading or watching the Tv.

And when my Step Dad realised that I wasn’t playing anymore,

He forced me to.

And when I didn’t obey his orders.

He beat me.

Another piece of my heart broke.

It was evident that I was dealing with low self-esteem, stress and that I needed help,

But who could I turn to?

My mum who was always there for me, became distant,

She struggled so much to make ends meet,

Had to deal with the frustration and disappointments my step dad brought forth,

And as she was trying to put everything in order…

She sunk into alcoholism.

Losing my step dad wasn’t much of an issue, but losing my mum…

That was something else.

It’s so hard loosing someone you love and yet you don’t know how to save them.

Slowly by slowly she drowned into a bottomless pit,

And I couldn’t even reach out to help her.

She kept smiling and acting like everything was okay, even when she wasn’t.

Seeing her turn into a stranger,

Made me hate myself.

Yet again, another piece of my heart broke.

I was all alone in a cruel cold world.

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Few months down the line,

I was diagnosed with Stomach ulcers,

And part of what was triggering the ulcer was stress,

At the hospital, the doctor couldn’t figure out how a nine-year-old could suffer from so much stress,

So she asked my mum to resolve any conflicts that could be affecting me at home.

As serious as the issue was,

The fighting, the yelling, the physical, emotional and verbal abuse still continued.

At this point, I was so messed up,

I didn’t see the need to continue living,

I felt as if I wasn’t important, as if no one cared or loved me,

So…

I decided to end my life.

No one knew about my plan, not even my mother.

So I went to the top of the building that we were living in,

And decided to jump off from the balcony,

But my feet couldn’t move.

And my body couldn’t move either,

I was stuck.

I tried to move again but nothing,

Funny thing, I could move backwards.

So I went back home and kept quiet about the ordeal.

Life moved on, but,

I still struggled to choose life,

Struggled to see the good in life and in people.

I barely had any friends,

Barely spoke to anyone,

And I didn’t even go out and play with other children.

Going to a boarding school at the age of ten made everything worse for me.

My escape was Cartoon and Watching the Tv,

But now I didn’t know how I could cope with everything.

Being far away from my mum, made me more worried,

What if I woke up to the news that she was no more?

That my step dad killed her?

What would I do? Where would I go?

Such thoughts made me concentrate less and less on my school work.

I continued to suffer in silence and kept everything to myself until I couldn’t take it in anymore,

So I broke down, cried, cried and cried,

And since I had no one to talk to, I turned to God.

I didn’t even know how to pray seriously, so I just asked him to give me the strength to walk through life.

I felt so weak, miserable and lost.

I was still in primary school but my life felt as if it was coming to an end.

When you are young people think that you are too young to hurt,

Or that you are pretending, in reality young children hurt too.

I can’t lie that things have been easy, But God has made them easier for me.

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I came to realize that the world can break anyone.

People can break you,

Even your parents can break you,

Circumstances can break you,

But no matter what, you have to move on.

At some point in life, my mum couldn’t afford to take me to college,

I had to stay at home for almost two years,

Clothes were an issue and once in a while my mum’s friends brought us their old ones,

I couldn’t go to church often because I didn’t want people to see me in the same clothes and shoes,

I was embarrassed with myself and our lifestyle.

Sadly, we had relatives who could help with my going to school, but they didn’t.

In the midst of all the struggles I was battling with,

I had to be strong for my mum and sisters,

I had to be hopeful that I would go to school and that things would work out,

Even though I was hopeless.

I had to keep my life together even when I was already in pieces.

I can’t summarize my story in one blog but,

Life can get harder.

Sometimes you are going to feel lost, helpless, weak, sad and so done with life,

But no matter what, you have to keep moving.

People can and will disappoint you,

Your expectations can get broken but no matter what, you have to get back on your feet.

For the longest time, I thought I was okay.

I did not realize that I was still hurting from my past.

I am learning to accept that my childhood broke me and messed me up,

Made me feel worthless, hated and rejected,

It made me change into a different person.

Made me weak and vulnerable in some way.

Now I am learning to heal and forgive those who hurt me,

I have scars that remind me of the rejection and humiliation I faced,

But I always have to stand above that and remind myself,

That I am not my past,

That I am not the negative things people said I was,

Or the darkness and the failure they said I was.

It’s okay to be broken, we are humans, we hurt and we break,

But how you handle your brokenness is all that matters.

Despite how worthless, despised and low they made you feel,

Always remember that you matter,

And that you are not what people say you are.

You are who you are and who you choose to be.

Pray to God to give you the strength to forgive them and move on.

I have realized that healing is a process,

And piece by piece,

I am learning to let go of everyone and everything that put me down.

I am learning to get out of my cocoon,

To Live life and shine my light brighter.

I am learning to collect my broken pieces,

And Mend myself back together again, something that i can’t do without God.

I am learning to forgive everyone who hurt and made me bleed,

I am learning to find peace, light and love in my brokenness.

I am learning to let God fight my battles and deal with those that caused me pain,

It’s a tough journey but I will make it,

And so will you.

You are not alone.

The Great Butterfly will always fly with you.

In the memory of us

Our story ended before it even started.

Deep down I still wanted it to continue,

I didn’t want to give up on you & so I jumped into the fire well knowing I’d get burnt,

Knowing I’d get scars and bruises.

You were worth all that, I reminded myself.

After all isn’t love about selflessness and sacrifices?

Blinded by the hopes of a brighter future,

I didn’t think twice.

So now, here I am thinking about you,

Even though I’m not supposed to.

I keep checking my phone thinking I’ll get a text or call from you.

But nothing…

You turned the page,

And here I am in denial, hoping you will come back,

Instead of burning the damn book.

It is so hard to accept the truth and reality, right?

Like a drug, he was my addiction,

No matter how much I fought to resist him,

I always ended up in his arms,

And he in mine.

Despite how angry or bitter we got towards each other,

We always found our way back home.

We were hopelessly crazy about each other and couldn’t keep our hands to ourselves.

Maybe it was the way he looked at me: seductively and Lasciviously,

Or the way his hands and mouth did the talking.

Maybe it was the way I loved but still hated him,

Or the way he made me feel,

Maybe it was the way his hot hard kisses on my lips and neck drove me insane,

Or

Maybe it was the way he always found his way back to me.

He wasn’t just any boomerang,

He was my boomerang!

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Our hearts and bodies burned with ecstasy, desire, lust, passion and hunger,

It’s like our souls were on fire,

Burning in cohesion with the flammable and fierce sensations,

Our bodies generated more heat than an erupting volcano,

And like a vampire thirsty for blood,

He always craved to devour me and the aftermath was evident.

Hickeys were imminent.

I loved the way he ached for me,

The way he teased me,

The way he turned me on and

The way he stood up!

I loved,

How hard his bulge felt in his trousers.

The way his touches made my body come to life,

Making me wet and ready for him.

Like a flower I opened myself to him.

The worst part is that he knew me so well,

He Knew where to touch,

How to give it to me,

How to drive me crazy,

And leave me begging for more.

When it came to him I wasn’t stubborn,

Like a servant, I obeyed every order he gave.

I went down on my knees for him,

and

Bent over for him,

Every time I moaned and screamed,

He transcoded my sounds

and hit harder,

This elated him so much, I could hear his evil laugh.

As innocent as he was, he became an animal when need be.

He had awoken a desire inside me,

And now he was passionately focused to fulfill it.

And even when he commanded me to take him home…I would.

As the driver I made sure that he had an unforgettable exciting journey.

As loyal and faithful as I was I did him good.

It was always intense…

Fast, hard, deep, raunchy and mind-blowing.

It was indeed a beautiful sin.

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I still think of you,

Think of the memories we made,

The many arguments and fights we had,

The passionate kisses we shared,

And the promises that never saw the light of the day.

I loved to provoke you, just to hear you talk,

I loved to argue with you over pointless issues,

Just to make you angry and see your reaction.

I remember this one day we argued and I left you by the roadside,

It’s not because I didn’t care,

But because I wanted you to admit to making mistake & consequently reach out to me.

I loved how jealous and protective you were over me,

The idea of me with someone else drove you mad,

Just as much as it did on my side.

Do you think of me, as I think of you?

Do you miss me as I miss you?

Did you find someone else who could handle your demons better?

Or make you feel the way I used to?

You broke and still mend me again,

You had the power to crush me into a million pieces and still make me whole again,

And maybe that’s why you loved me,

Because I too destroyed and built you again.

I knew you, you knew me,

I knew how to fix you,

I knew when you were lost in the cold word,

Wandering around and trying to get home,

I knew why you pushed people away,

I knew why you never let people in,

Why you had issues with trusting people

I knew why you didn’t know how to react when someone showed you affection,

I knew why you hid from love when it found you.

I saw a side of you that you never thought anyone could.

I saw you, you saw me.

But now,

Now we are just strangers

Drinking different poisons to survive.

I hope you know, I’ll never regret you,

We had our heaven, right before we stumbled into hell.

May your light shine bright on your way.

I hope you will remember that someone once believed in you,

Someone understood you,

Someone cared about you,

Someone loved you.

Further figure

A father will always be every daughter’s first love’, This is from a post I came across on Valentine’s day.

‘The reason why daughters love their dad the most is because there is at least one man in the world who will never hurt her’, read another.

‘I am a princess not because my boyfriend is a prince but because my father is a king’ another read.

When I went through them, I couldn’t relate at all.

Reason being?

I was raised by my mother. My father was never there and I didn’t ask much about him because I was just okay with my mum. Life seemed okay, we were okay, nothing seemed amiss.

Some Dads would escort their children to school and the seemingly lucky had both parents doing so.

As for me…

Well, I only had my mother’s hand to hold. And Sometimes, I only had mine.

Nothing seemed out of place, be it having single or both parents because we went to the same school, wore the same uniform, played together and related with each other without measure.

As I continued to grow older, I realized that something was amiss in my life.

My dad!

I was missing the love & affection he never gave me. I was missing the time he never invested in me, the support and care he didn’t give me, the assurance he never accorded me, the progress he never asked about and above all, the times he wasn’t there when I needed him the most.

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Like a scar, his absence reminded me of the Dad I never had.

I used to hate him a lot and consequently had a train of anger and resentment towards him. Let’s just say I was always mad at him. (I think I still am but not as much as I used to).

Mad because he didn’t choose my mum and I,

Mad because he wasn’t there,

Mad because of the memories we never got to create.

Mad because he didn’t take time to know me,

To know about his little daughter who was slowly becoming a grown and mature lady,

Mad because he kept me as a secret, never giving me the chance to know my other siblings,

Mad because he put his other children as a priority,

He loved them unconditionally,

But when it came to me,

He gave me conditional love.

All that made me feel worthless, unwanted, despised and unappreciated. I grew up knowing that I was never wanted, knowing that I was not a priority not only to him but to everyone else.

I grew up knowing that I wasn’t enough. It seemed as if everyone else was better than me.

Other families looked happier…and complete.

Of the many choices he had, he did not choose me. The one man who was supposed to be there for me, be my guardian angel, was absent. The one man who was supposed to love me broke me instead.

All along,

I wanted to be wanted,

Wanted to be given the assurance and protection,

Wanted to be given the affection and attention,

But he wasn’t there to do that.

I just,

Yearned to be chosen and loved.

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People love talking about heartbreaks,

But when your dad breaks your heart…that’s different.

The pain is deeper than a void and an endless pit as Well,

It hurts you so much that the pain threatens to consume you,

It cracks your soul,

Makes you lose your trust in people,

Makes you build very high emotional walls,

Has you afraid of letting people in your life,

Afraid of letting them know you and who you really are,

It makes you scared of love and relationships.

You do not want someone to hurt you,

You don’t want them to leave you in the dark; stone cold, craving for their love and affection,

You do not want someone to remind you how it felt like not to be chosen,

You do not want to be left again feeling worthless and unwanted.

You do not want to go back in the old, dead, frosty dungeon that you are trying to crawl out of.

…………………….

I know when we talk I sound okay but you always rekindle some of the anger in my heart.

You have left a gap in my life,

A gap that can never be filled,

One that changed me and made me a different person.

I believe that I am strong but if you were there I think I could have turned out to be stronger and confident,

I think my self-esteem wouldn’t be as low as it is,

Maybe I’d have turned out more social and friendly.

I know we can’t turn back the hands of time, but…

I have looked for your love in the wrong places and in the wrong hands,

I have looked for a man that wasn’t you,

hoping I’d get the love that I was craving for,

Hoping I’d get the love and assurance you never gave,

Hoping that at least I’d get to feel complete,

And in return my heart was broken again.

And when I got the love I thought I needed,

I ran away.

I couldn’t believe how I’d find a good man to love me as I am,

So doubt became my thing and before I realised, I had already pushed away and hurt the people who loved me.

I realised that I had not healed from the pain you left behind,

And because of this, I bled on people who never hurt me.

……….

Although your absence has made me strong in some ways,

It has also made me weak in others.

Part of my heart has been empty,

Empty because you are missing in it,

When I hear people talk about their dads and their relationships…

It sounds like fiction.

I have gone through life without much contribution from you,

And sometimes I forget as if you are still there.

Many times, I felt as if I was an accident,

But the love I got from mum was proof that I was born out of love.

Your story might not have ended well,

But I think of myself as your happily ever after,

And for that I am proud.

I have your blood flowing in my veins,

But we are total strangers.

It’s a pity that I miss you yet you are here,

it seems as if we live in different worlds,

A world I can’t get to.

I wish I was able to open up and talk to you,

But where would I start?

I still don’t know how it feels like to have a father,

How it feels like to be loved by one.

I wish you saw how grown I am,

How beautiful your little girl has grown up to be,

It hasn’t been easy but I thank God for the strength

and for my mum who doubled as my dad as well…Whose heart of Gold kept me going.

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I am learning to accept that you were not there,

I am learning to accept that no other love could replace yours,

I am learning to accept that it’s time to move on,

You hurt me, but I can’t dwell on the scar you left behind.

I can’t dwell on the past,

The past that has become part of me.

Despite you not being there you will still remain my father,

And I will always love you.

I have found peace and love in my brokenness,

And light in my darkness.

Piece by piece I am learning to handle my past.

And trying to survive each and every day.

Someday,

When its Gods time,

I will walk down the aisle with the one.

It’s always my hope and prayer

That he will love me and my children,

That he will put us first and take care of us,

That he will be a great kind dad,

And no matter what,

He will stay.

and

Our kids won’t have to question their worth.

They’ll have peace, receive care and experience love close up.

Most of all, they’ll have me and him, their father.

And time after time, I will always tell them about you,

Because you are still part of my story, even though you weren’t there.

Would you stay?

People love to talk about their love for nature, sunsets, coffee, the rain…
But,
Would you love the sun if it didn’t boast of its orange and yellow rays?
if it didn’t shine bright?
If it didn’t have the beautiful, relaxing, breath-taking sunrise and sunsets?
Would you love it?
Would you still love it if it torched your skin?

Would you love the stars if they didn’t glow at night?
Would you love the moon if it was dark and gloomy?
If it was just a big circle filled with void, dimness and sadness?
If it didn’t light up the sky at night,
Would you still love it?

Would you love the sky if it wasn’t blue?
If it didn’t have beautiful clouds swimming in it?

Would you love the sea or the ocean if it didn’t have its blue waters?
If it didn’t have waves or the creatures in it?
If it didn’t have the reflection of the sky in it,
Would you still love it?

Would you love the birds if they didn’t sing their sweet melodies in the morning?
Would you love the grass if it wasn’t green?
Would you love the rain if it burned your skin?
Would you love coffee if it didn’t have its aroma?
if it didn’t have its sweet pleasant taste?
Would you still love it?

Would you love ice cream if it tasted like bitter herbs?
Would you love music if it didn’t feed your soul?
If it didn’t touch your body or move you,
If it didn’t raise your moods or help you feel calm or relaxed,
Would you still love it?
if it hurt your ears?
Would you still listen to it?

Would you stay if I let you see the real me?

If I let you see my brokenness,
If I let you see all my flaws and scars,
And the bad in me,

Would you still stay?

Would you stay
If I showed you my fears and insecurities?
Would you stay if you met the darkness that lingers in my world?
if you faced the ghosts and demons that haunt me,
if you saw the battles I fight,
Would you still stay?

Would you stay if you saw me at my worst?
If you saw my world falling apart,
If you saw my world coming to an end,
If you saw me breaking down and my tears flowing down like a stream,
Would you still stay?
Would you stay if I told my story?
if I removed my brave face,
Would you be pleased with it?
Would you embrace it?

Would you stay if all my beauty faded away?
And all am left with is an ugly skeleton?

Would you still stay?
When I need you the most,
Will you hold my hand, look me in the eye and promise me that things will be fine?
Even when I feel all alone, will you stay?
If I was pieces of broken glass,
Would you hold my hand?
Would you be willing to hurt and bleed?
Would you do that for me?
If I was drowning,
Would you come to my rescue and save me?
If I had one of those low days
Would you go that low for me?
If things take the dirt road and get messy,
Would you still stay?
If you promise and give me your assurance today,
Will you still love me today and every other day?
Will you hold my hand?
How far would you be willing to go just to protect me or be there for me?
How far would you be willing to walk with me?

If things changed,

Would you stay?

You matter!

Life is like a classroom. A classroom that doesn’t have four walls, a timetable nor a teacher but is constantly teaching us lessons. Valuable lessons.

Over time I have learnt that investing in yourself is the greatest thing that you could ever do. Why? When you know who you really are and consequently build yourself, you can stand strong no matter what you go through. People say that when you are strong on the inside nothing on the outside can break you. I say when you are strong on the inside and something breaks you, you will have the strength to collect the broken pieces, mend yourself and move on.

When you identify your strengths and weaknesses, you have the strength to grow in different areas.

It recently dawned on me that I wasn’t paying a lot of attention to certain aspects of my life.  I realised that I had given people the power to define my self-worth. I realised that I had placed my happiness on people. I realised that I had been seeking approval and appreciation from people. I also realised that I had placed a lot of expectations on people and when they didn’t live up to them it really messed me up. The worst part is, I was waiting for someone to fix me.

It is true that someone can fix you. Someone can influence a spark of self-worth & love which you yourself seemingly couldn’t see or find, help you appreciate yourself, help you see the good in you and elevate your self-esteem. Someone can mend you while you are broken. But before one does all that, I became aware of the fact that it’s also important for someone to put efforts on their side.

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I have come to learn that self-acceptance and self-love is a journey. You don’t just wake up one day and you’re okay and so confident with yourself. It takes time. Sometimes for this to work, or rather most times, you need to put yourself first and work on yourself, something that I am learning to do.

They say, you can’t pour from an empty cup. You can’t love others, if you don’t love yourself. You need to love yourself first, embrace who you are and love everything about yourself.

As someone who has dealt with low self-esteem, many were times I pleaded for approval, love and appreciation from people. Many were the times I wanted to hear someone tell me am beautiful. Many were the times I waited for someone to tell me that I have a beautiful smile or that they love the perfume I had on me. Many were the times I waited for someone to tell me that they love my height, my tiny feet, my voice or my physique. Many were the times I waited for someone to tell me that I was enough and when I didn’t get that I got devastated. It made me question my worth.

And then it hit me that you don’t have to wait for people’s approval, you don’t have to wait for someone to like you, love you or like what you do. You don’t need to wait for someone to tell you that you are good enough. You don’t need to wait for someone to compliment you while that person can be you. What other people say to you or how they treat you cannot be used to measure your worth.

Before someone makes you happy, be your first source of happiness.

Before someone loves you, be your first love.

Before you decide to let someone in, make sure you are healed. Don’t drag brokenness or hurt into a relationship. Hurt people hurt people.

As the new year progresses,

I pray that you (myself included) will learn to love yourself today and every other day.

I pray that you will learn to love the good and the bad things about you.

I pray that you will learn to love the good and the bad days you have.

I pray that you will remember that you are an amazing person with a beautiful soul.

I pray that you will remember how beautiful or handsome you are.

I pray that you will remember how strong you are,

I pray that you will remember that you are valuable,

That you are enough.

I hope that you won’t have to beg for someone’s time, love, attention or affection.

I hope that someone won’t make you feel like shit just because they don’t appreciate you.

If you feel as if you are doing a lot just to keep someone from leaving just cut them off. Don’t beg for anyone to stay.

You don’t have to be in a friendship or a relationship that is draining you emotionally, financially or physically. You need the peace of the mind, Body and soul.

Disconnect yourself from toxic people. It doesn’t matter how special they are to you. If they are not helping you grow, building you or helping you become a better person, you need to cut them off.

If you do not feel appreciated, loved or treasured, cut them off.

If you are constantly being lied to, cut them off.

You deserve much better. You don’t have to keep getting hurt, or frustrated just because you love someone. Love isn’t pain. The right person will make love easier.

If you have been in my shoes and can relate to this, I hope that you will invest more on yourself and do more rights than wrongs. Whatever it is you have been through or are going through, forgive and give yourself time to heal.

Remember to fall in love with yourself today and every other day,

Remember to pray.

Be your first source of happiness.

Love a little more.

Take a breather.

Switch off your phone at times.

Take a break from social media.

Smile and laugh more.

Say hi to a stranger.

You are great, you are worthy, you are important.

It might be hard,

But Sometimes,

You have to learn to be strong alone,

You have to learn to be your greatest source of strength and motivation,

You have to learn to be there for yourself,

Because at the end of it all,

All you have is you.