Why her?

It’s 3 A.M in the morning and I can’t seem to catch sight of my bus to sleep.
I am restless; turning and tossing in bed.
I put my head under the pillow,
To try and get some sleep in vain.
I close my eyes but all I see is you. Your handsome face staring at me,
Your alluring beautiful smile that made my soul lighten up,
Your slim Muscular body dressed in a black shirt and sweatpants,
Your clean-shaven beard,
And the icing on the cake;
Your tiny brown eyes that sparkled when something excited you,
I remember how much fun I used to make at your petite irresistible lips,
And you had to remind me how your mum gave you food with a tea spoon because a table spoon couldn’t fit in your mouth.

In a silent dead night,
All I can hear is your laughter,
Echoing in my room.
I can hear your voice whispering to me,
Telling me how much you miss me.
Even in the dark, your skin glows,
Drawing me close to you.
I can feel your gentle touch on my body,
And my oh my!
I still reminisce that day,
When you held me in your arms,
So tight but yet with utmost care,
You closed the distance between us,
And all I could think of was you,
Lots of crazy fantasies running through my mind,
Your Lips brushed against mine,
And I got lost in your world.

And when you kissed me,
I couldn’t help but tighten my grip on your neck,
Damn you were so sweet!
Sweeter than my favourite Choco-chip flavoured ice cream.
I couldn’t get enough of you,
I knew I liked you very much but I was afraid.
Because, slowly by slowly you broke down my walls,
But I couldn’t break yours.
I couldn’t even find them,
You couldn’t let me in.
From the way you kissed me I could tell how much you wanted me,
I felt at peace as I stood close to you,
Playing with the soft hairs on your chest,
You knew I loved them, that’s why your shirt was halfway unbuttoned,
I didn’t even want the other girls to get a glimpse of it.

I was so caught up in the moment,
Glad that I had you in my arms,
That I didn’t notice you slip away,
At times when I looked into your eyes,
All I could see was darkness,
I couldn’t make out your life or the person you really were,
Even though you shone a light on me.
You were close but still far away,
So dear but still a stranger.

I might be crazy,
But I know I’m not wrong,
Wrong about what I feel in my heart.
I just want to talk you,
Know how you are doing,
Hear your voice,
But how can I?
The other day I called,
Pretending to check up on you
But Something seemed off
You sounded bored, casual and angry,
Like my courtesy call was being a bother,
Then I heard her voice
“Baby who is that calling in the middle of the night?” she asked.
“It’s no one probably a wrong number, let’s go back to sleep” you replied.
A no one?
That one statement kept echoing in my mind.
I knew about her,
But from what you told me it was ‘nothing serious’,
But then again, if it wasn’t,
What the hell was she doing there?
Occupying a spot that was supposed to be mine?
And even after the incident you never bothered to give an explanation and lie to me.
When did I even become this girl who accepted to be put second?
Or bear with such crap

Am so mad at myself and mad at you.
Mad at myself because I let you in,
Mad because we never were on the same page!,
Mad because my expectations were too high,
Mad because I fell so hard
And now am sinking at the bottom of my feelings and emotions,
Crushed and left to sulk agonising in pain.
I swore to never let my heart burn in the wrong hands but here I am again,
Repeating the same mistake,
I’m mad at you for choosing me!
Why did it have to be me?
And what hurts the most,
Is that you are perfectly okay,
You aren’t even aware that you have torn someone’s heart apart,
While my heart sinks relishing in the wreckage you caused I balance on edge of staying sane almost losing my mind,
And Losing myself
All because of you,

I know I don’t mean much to you,
Or barely mean anything to you,
But I wish you knew how much It freaking hurts
Sitting here thinking about you,
Wishing you’d call or text,
Wishing you’d tell me that you want me
That you need me
But you never do
Do I ever cross your mind?
Do you think about the beautiful moments we shared together?
Am jealous of her,
Jealous because it should be me.
I am supposed to be the one for you,
The one you love,
The one you think of
The one to settle down with,
I am going crazy over you,
Does it really matter though?
You have her,
And I can never be her
I could never be with you.
While I’m here thinking of you,
You are thinking of someone else.

Yesterday, I stalked her,
Saw her wearing a t-shirt with your name on it,
You do know I also know how to read, right?
I read her comment on your Instagram post
“Looking good love” It said.
Your reply was an emoji…
Maybe that’s a sign that you aren’t that into her.
But it didn’t make me feel any better.
My heart almost burst with envy…
I don’t know why you chose her.
I wish I could change things, but…
It’s so hard to control how my heart feels.
What my heart wants…
Maybe some day you will be mine,
Or maybe you won’t…
So,
I’ll sit here crying my eyes out
Allowing myself to become one with Hurt,
Tormenting myself with a thousand questions such as why it had to be her and not me.
I know one day I will get over you,
One day my tears won’t fall for you,
One day you will be nothing but a long lost memory at the back of my mind,
But before that day…
As of now,
Why her??

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Overboard

Overboard is not only an interesting but also a hilarious Movie that was released on the 4th of May 2018. Quite old, right? I don’t know why I never got to watch it earlier than I did. For those who have watched it please don’t mind the timeliness. I live in another world. A lifestyle that makes me feel like an old widowed grandma abandoned in a nursing home. So I hope you understand.

If you are looking forward to watching a hilarious movie, overboard should be on your to-watch list and if you are a big comic fan like I am, then you will really enjoy it.

It is a Drama-comedy whose duration is one hour and fifty-two minutes, although it is a remake from a 1987 film still going by the same name.

The movie features Kate and Leonardo as the main cast where Kate plays the role of a single mum with three daughters, working two jobs; as a cleaning lady and a pizza delivery staff. In addition to that, her final exams are fast approaching which will determine whether she qualifies as a nurse or not.

Leonardo on the other hand is a Rich, spoiled, wealthy, stubborn playboy who has everything money can buy. His father is the 3rd richest man in the world whose family owns the largest billing supply company in the world. He could spend his lifetime without working and still be rich! Damn! Isn’t that cool?

He owns a beautiful magnificent Yacht that was given to him as a birthday present and guess how he spends his day? Drinking champagne, partying and having chicken-fights. In this case we are not talking about cockfight but a pool party game where girls ride on a guy’s shoulders with the intention of knocking each other off. I might sound intelligent but I only got to know of that recently. I come from a landlocked county where people barely have enough water for swimming pools, so coming across such a term is difficult.

Kate gets hired to do some cleaning on the on the Yacht and is astonished at how beautiful and luxurious it is. As she works, she almost eats soap in the bathroom under the notion that it’s Candy.

She later meets the stubborn Leo who apparently has a cartoon mouse tattoo on his right butt cheek.
“You are very attractive for a carpet cleaning lady though maybe you could do something with your hair. No that’s not it, it’s your face…, I mean it’s good, I wanna like it, it’s just somehow less than some of its parts, what animal do people say you look like?” Leo asks her. Who the hell on earth gets to be this mean?

He then orders her to get him a snack, a job that’s not hers in which she adamantly refuses. He gets upset and fires her without pay. They get into a heated argument and as the yacht is leaving for San Francisco, Leo pushes her into the ocean together with her expensive cleaning machine and other equipment.

He is used to a lavish lifestyle, ladies and expensive drinks. He doesn’t even work, he has people doing his cleaning and running errands for him.
At one point, he is in bed with this lady and finds his condoms amiss from the drawer in which he keeps them. Why would someone even have a condom drawer? Like do you go to a carpenter or the supermarket and buy a drawer specifically for rubber? He staggers away to look for them after telling her not to ‘turn off’. He finds them on a seat and following his tipsy state, he falls off the yacht and into the ocean.
He wakes up the following morning on the shore of a beach with a somewhat memory lapse.

“I Don’t know what day it is!, I don’t know where I was born!, I don’t even know my own name! I remember nothing except waking up in a beach with an ass full of sand!”. Shouts Leo in Hospital.
His family Doesn’t know of his whereabouts and this makes them worried. So, his sister goes to The hospital to check whether the lost and amnesiac man is his brother, she peeps at him, recognizes him but then claims not to know the man.

Kate eventually finds out that the man who mistreated her, lost his memory. She gets in dire need for revenge. Her friend comes up with a plan. They then go to the hospital and Kate informs Leo that they have been married for fifteen years, have three daughters and that she has come to take him home. She has a marriage certificate, a ring and their photos. He can’t believe any of the stuff he is being told. So he asks for proof. Kate tells him that he has a tattoo of a cartoon mouse on his right butt cheek and when he checks he finds it. Leo finally believes it so they go ‘home’.

His life quickly transforms from that of a billionaire’s son to a guy who works at a construction site. After work, he has to cook dinner for his family and run other errands. He also has to sleep in the garage and use a bottle as his urinal.

For how long can Kate keep up with her fake marriage and husband?

This movie is a hundred percent worth your time. It is as comical as it is intriguing and their Spanish music makes it more lively and entertaining.
However, the downside of it has to be the scenes where they speak Spanish with no subtitles as translation.
Tolerate that and you will without a doubt enjoy every second of it.
So, brace yourself for a rib cracking ride and do feel free to Thank me later😜.

Scars (part 2)

He came home drunk as usual, hit and beat her mercilessly,
Its like he wouldn’t be having his hands the following day, and when she fell, he violently stepped on her stomach and kicked and kicked..
The C-section stiches burst open,
And she lay in a pool of blood.

Were it not for the neighbours coming to her aid, things would have turned out different.
I was boiling with anger and bitterness.
Hate and enmity welled up in my heart, Raging violently, Consuming every part of me.
I blamed myself for not protecting her, for not being enough…

And when I started getting chest congestions, coughing and running out of breath, I felt as though the end was announcing its presence.
A respiratory disease at the age of twelve?
How could God allow me to go through all these?
Had I not suffered enough?
I was so done with life.
I blamed myself for getting sick every now and then and for the consequently missed classes.

I hated myself when my mum had to travel all the way from Nairobi to Kajiado just to pick me up whenever she was informed that I was sick regardless of time and this included middle of the night scenarios,
And when I went for injections at St James hospital she would carry me to and from the hospital,
She took care of me, she loved me.
I on the other hand deemed myself a burden to her.
….
I felt miserable,
As if I was responsible for the circumstances I found myself in,
I wanted to changed things,
Make them better,
Blind to the fact that I couldn’t control everything.
I didn’t have the power to do so.

I couldn’t control what people said or did but at least I could control how I responded to their actions.
At least I could pray and ask God to give me the strength and grace to walk through life,
I knew he had the power to change things.
I realised that not everything that happened to me was my fault,

I had imprisoned myself in a pit full of blame, hatred, regret, anger, low self esteem, vengeance,
And slowly by slowly,
They consumed me,
They took away my happiness,
And I knew I had to let go,
Let go of everything that made my heart bitter,
Even though that was hard,
I had to be strong,
I had to stop pitying myself and the blame game too.
The world didn’t care, Things didn’t get easier for me just because I found myself in situations,
I had to forgive myself, for being too hard on myself and forgive God for letting me pass through all that.
I knew that there was a reason,
There is always a reason for everything.
At least she changed, but he didn’t
She became my world and he continued being my Bermuda,

When I thought I was done,
God reminded me that it was just the beginning and that he wasn’t done with me.

No matter what life throws at you,
No matter what you go through
Never blame yourself,
Never think that the world is unfair or that God hates you,
Even though at times it feels like life is a series of unfortunate events,
You have to remember that you are not a victim of circumstance,
But a conqueror,
The world breaks people,
The young and the old,
But you have to collect the broken pieces and move on,
No one is promised of a smooth ride in life.
Things can get hard but that doesn’t mark the end.

Pray and try to change what you can, and that which you Cannot leave it unto God.
Blaming yourself makes you a prisoner,
And you start dying emotionally, physically and spiritually.
Never giver up,
God is not done with you,
Even when there are storms and tides,
The sea calms and becomes still,
And so will your life.
Its just a matter of time.
Things change.
There is no situation in life that is permanent
Put a smile on your face, Walk with your head high
Don’t give up.
God is not done with you.

Scars (part 1)

Amidst tears, darkness, bitterness and abuse,
I blamed myself.
I blamed myself for coming from a broken family,
I never knew who my dad was nor where he was.
While other children enjoyed the comfort of both parents,
I only knew the love of one, my mother.
Maybe I was the reason for his absence.
I didn’t know.

I was very excited when we moved to Nairobi to live with the new man in our life
I was so relieved; at least someone would give me the father’s love that was amiss,
Someone would take care of my mum and I,
Someone would make our family whole again.

I was wrong.

He came home drunk almost everyday,
Soiled in all kind of dirt: vomit, sewage and mud
Carried by the soldiers at the gate
He couldn’t walk, He couldn’t remember where the house was,
He knew not where his wallet was,
Neither did he about his shoes.
At times it could be his phone, his jacket, or… a tooth
And still in that drunken state he would make sure that sleep was foreign.

When he drank, it’s like something possessed him,
Something so cold strong and dangerous,
Something so evil and merciless,
I could see the hatred glowing in his eyes,
He wanted to quench his thirst for a fight and fracas,
Or maybe it was blood.

He would scold my mum, bother her with a million useless questions, threaten to beat her and from time to time he did,
Not once,
Not twice,
Nor thrice…
Sometimes he even threatened to kill her.
I could not protect her.
I was helpless.
And I hated myself for that.

When it was that time of the month when pockets got heavy.
It would get depleted at the bar within a day or two.
He didn’t remember us,
He forgot his duties as a family man.
He didn’t even buy a single packet of milk or a loaf of bread
Alcohol was the important thing in his life, it still is…
I was sad, lonely, worried and depressed
I blamed myself.

The fights, the abusive words, the yelling, the tension and the fear,
Became music to my ears
They were the lyrics to my songs,
I didn’t feel safe at home.
The man I thought would love me and be there for me as a father wasn’t,
He wasn’t the husband he was supposed to be.
Many are the times I wondered whether he had a heart,
Did he have blood running in his veins?
Was he human or was he a monster?
Family wasn’t heaven and neither were my peers.

I blamed myself when the other children laughed at me because I was fat,
Whenever they called me “kanono”
My self esteem would be crashed to the ground,
I blamed myself when they asked me why my “dad” was always drunk,
Why my parents were always fighting.
I blamed myself because I didn’t have fancy clothes like them,
I blamed myself because my family wasn’t happy like others,
They had peace, they were in heaven,
But we,
We were in hell slowly burning, dying and rotting.
….
I knew the smell of alcohol, even a single bit of it
And now my mum’s breath was one with it…
I started noticing the blood shot eyes, the slurred speech,
And she wasn’t home as often as she used to be.
When I thought that things would get better, they got worse.
No one would listen to the other.
It was his demons against hers.
In a huge deadly and bloody battle.

I started to hate her,
I couldn’t understand what she was going through, but I needed her,
However, she wasn’t there,
And so we grew apart,
She’d sit next to me but it would still feel as if she was a thousand miles away.
….
I blamed myself when I got stomach ulcers at the age of ten
I still remember how shocked and dumbfounded the doctor was upon these findings,
How on earth could a ten year old be diagnosed with ulcers?
Emotionally I was tortured,
I was all alone,
No one was there for me, no one understood
I drowned myself in tears
Hot and sad tears,
My heart was filled with anger, hatred, vengeance, bitterness and disgust
If only I could lay hands on that man…
But what would my tiny hands do?
I cried myself to sleep.

I blamed myself when the children laughed at my mum
When they saw her carrying chicken on her back
Lots of chicken…
as many as her fragile back could handle
She did what she had to do to bring food to the table
Even though I hated her for taking alcohol she was there for me, made sure I had not an empty stomach,
made sure I went to school…
And even though we didn’t talk much, I knew she was really trying to make things better.
Still, I blamed myself for everything that was going on.
No one cared for my emotional being even after being diagnosed with ulcers
There was nothing to live for.
And every now and then, suicidal thoughts lingered my mind…
Maybe jump off a building, or take poison
That way, I wouldn’t hurt anymore..
But I didn’t.
At least when I was all alone, I had tears to comfort me,
Acting as an outlet for the pain
Loneliness and silence became my best friends.
…..
I blamed myself for my poor performance in school,
I blamed myself because I didn’t have any friends,
I hated myself so much.
I didn’t see anything good with me or my life.
And the pile of blame kept getting bigger and bigger,
I hurt myself more,
I hated God for letting me pass through a lot.
Didn’t he have mercy?
Didn’t he love me?
Didn’t he want me to be happy like the other children?
Was he even there at all?

I blamed myself when I was taken to boarding school at a young age
All I kept thinking of was my mum
Was she okay? Would anyone help her? Would my dad kill her as he always threatened to?
I thought It was the alcohol that made him violent
But I was wrong.
Some few days after she had delivered through caesarean section,
He came home drunk as usual, hit and beat her mercilessly
Its like he wouldn’t be having his hands the following day, and when she fell, he violently stepped on her stomach and kicked and kicked and kicked
The C-section stiches burst open,
And she lay in a pool of blood…

(To be continued)

You

I miss you
I know…
I know I shouldn’t say this because it doesn’t really matter,
But,
I really do,
I’m broken.

Shattered Like tiny pieces of glass.
My world no longer makes sense without you in it.
You know, everyone falls apart sometimes,
And ours came by I suppose,
I’m a mess right now.
My world feels void and cold without you.
I feel empty, angry, hurt and frustrated,
The cracks in my heart are deep and hollow,
My little wings broken,
I cant fly anymore,
I have lost all my colour and strength,

We were happy.

But when things became tough,
We gave up.
I wish we fought harder to save us,
You were the best thing that happened to me,
You walked into my life and everything changed,
You made me believe in myself,
You made me believe in love,
You made me believe in us,
You made me believe that a man could stay.

You mend a broken soul.

I miss your charming smile,
I miss the way your eyes lit up when you were happy,
I miss how hard you laughed,
I miss the late night calls,
The way your husky voice sounded over the phone,
The evening walks,
The cinema…
You held my hand so tight and
At such moments I knew you’d never let go,
You protected and treasured me like a princess,
I was happy as a little baby with no worries in life,
I miss how hard your chest felt,
How your lips felt on mine,
And the burning desire to be always with you,
I miss everything about you,
I remember the promises we made,
That we never kept.
I crave for your love,
your attention,
And
Your touch.
Hold me tonight,
Put my fears to rest,
Keep me safe from my evil thoughts,
Protect me from myself,
Put a smile on my sad face even if it’s for the last time,
Its a cold world.
And I need your loving,
If at all you are there.

Meet the Bears

Tedd Josiah is known to many as a Music producer who currently works as an audio visual Consultant.

He is blessed with a beautiful, bubbly and an ever Jovial princess who goes by the name Jameela wendo a.k.a Jay Jay a.k.a her royal highness a.k.a empress a.k.a gummy bear.
Tedd is the papa bear and together they make the bears.

He gave her the name Gummy bear because she used to wake up in the morning smiling and laughing. She didn’t have teeth by then just gums.

His life has been an inspiration to many people, myself included.

It is a story of hope, strength, survival and above all a story of love.

Last year in September Tedd lost his wife Regina Katar leaving behind Jay Jay who was three months old.
We know that it’s never easy to get through the loss of a loved one. Death is so cold, horrible and ugly and it leaves behind a heartache that can never be healed.

Papa bear was now left with a responsibility to take care of his little angel alone, making him a dad and a mum too. You can imagine the struggle he was going through, trying to figure out things for himself as well as his daughter’s too. He found himself in a situation that would either make or break him. Despite the challenges he faced, he rose up against them and got back to his feet.
He still manages to get going even when things are tough.

It really takes a strong phenomenal man to do that. Had he not had God as his anchor, then things would have turned out different.

Here is something he shared that makes a lot of sense. “ If a man tells you he can do it without God, he will fail you and himself. It just ain’t possible without the grace, the mercy and the love God gives us.”

It hasn’t been a bed of roses for him but he has an amazing Instagram family that really shows enormous love and support to them. Her royal highness also plays a big role in making things better, not only for papa bear but also for a lot of people on Instagram.
She is a blessing.

Jay is a ray of sunshine that radiates joy, happiness and love to other people. I bet the sun is jealous of her. And you know what? She has one of the most adorable and prettiest smiles I have ever seen. She is always bubbly and playful. She also loves having a lot of fun, which entails her running around the house and trying to experiment with cameras and guitars. She can become a drama queen when she wants to. She knows when to gives fake smiles and when to give that killer smile, she is also good at making funny faces. Jay is an amazing angel with tiny paws and teeth.

One of the things I admire about Tedd is the fact that he is so real. He talks about his good and bad days. That is so unlike our generation, where guys on social media rather talk about the good only, making others think that their life is a hundred percent perfect. Some days are good and others rough but he is never ashamed to talk about that.

Tedd is a great father who loves his daughter unconditionally and from his Instagram posts, you can vividly see the strong bond between a father and a daughter.

From the tales he narrates about his late wife and the memories he shares, you can truly tell that theirs was a beautiful love story. A match made in heaven. A proof that true love exists and can overcome all obstacles.
I got this from one of the posts he wrote about Regina;
“Many many people say relationships don’t work but you showed that they do. A woman can be faithful to a man and a man faithful to a woman and a home can be built on love patience and hard work, not fame and fast cash”

His life has been an inspiration to many especially to other Single dads.

Here are some of the things I have learnt from his life.
• True love exists. It does triumph over everything.
• Prayer is very essential in life. You can never make it without God. At times we don’t have things figured out but they get better when He is in control.
• You need to treasure the people you love and tell them how much they mean to you because we never know when they will be taken away from us.
• You always need to capture memories.
• You need to live your life the best way you can. Life is too short and no one is assured of tomorrow.

I came across something from his YouTube channel.

“Memories are important, don’t just capture the memory, live the memory be in the present time. Don’t just live behind your phone scrolling and looking at what everybody else is doing forgetting to live in your moment ,to capture your moment, to treasure your moment, because as soon as the people we love are gone, that’s all we have.”

I forgot to mention that the bears have a YouTube channel, Raising Jay. Its gives people an insight on the Bears journey. Everything based on real life situations, all that in the loving memory of Regina .

Here is a link to their channel

Tedds life is an example that you can rise from whatever situation you are in,

That you can find light even in the darkest of times,

That you can fall hard but still collect the broken pieces and move on,

The bears’ story , is a sad yet beautiful story, a story of tears, happiness and laughter. A story of encouragement and hope. A story of life and love.
May God always be with them. You are not alone.
I will leave you with his favourite mantra

Live◇ laugh😊 love💕

Betrayal is part of the journey

I was reading a piece about the crucifixion of Jesus Christ and it reminded me of two things.

Betrayal and Innocence.

According to the Roman tradition flogging (beating someone with a whip or stick as a punishment) was a legal preliminary to every Roman execution. They used a whip called Flag rum, which consisted of small pieces of bone and metal attached to a number of leather strands. The soldiers beat prisoners mercilessly sometimes killing them. Their backs would become like a field that a farmer had ploughed and Pieces of skin would hang from their backs.

During whipping the skin was ripped from the back exposing a mass of tissue and bones. Extreme blood loss occurred causing death or at least unconsciousness.

You can imagine how much Jesus suffered for a crime he did not commit. After all that he had done for the people, they chose to crucify him. His disciples disowned, fled and betrayed him when they should have been there for him, at least.

This reminded me that it’s always good to be prepared for such things. It’s possible to get hurt and go through a great deal of traumatic experience because of something you didn’t do. It’s easy for people to judge, criticise and call you names even when you are innocent.

And you know what? strangers barely betray you. Its the closest people in your life that do so,

The people you trused the most,

The people you never thought would harm you in any way,

The people you thought would protect you are the same people who rise like storms and hurricanes ready to swallow you,

The people you thought would catch a bullet for you are sometimes the people pulling the trigger.

Every betrayal begins with trust.

We live in a world where human beings are good at pretence,

Covered with masks such that you can’t even know their true colours or intentions,

Occasionally things are not in black and white as we see them,

Often people don’t really have each others back,

It’s easier when such things are rather said than done,

At times the people you laugh and smile with are the same people waiting for your downfall,

Not everyone you call a friend is really a true friend,

Not everyone is happy about your progress and success,

Not everyone wants the best for you in life,

The funny thing is that when things are smooth everyone wants to be your friend but when they are hard there is barely a friend in sight,

Even when you are nice to people some will make sure they hurt you in return. Others will always find a reason to hate or talk ill about you.

It’s life.

Always be ready for this.

If Jesus did all of those great magnificent things and yet people got him crucified who are you not to go through such situations?

It’s good to remember that not everything that the eyes express is the true reflection of things,

People are bound to disappoint and to let you down,

Sometimes Betrayal is always part of the plan and you can never get to know real unless the fake has been exposed. Time and situations always tell the people on your side. So don’t regret being kind or showing good deeds to people who didn’t deserve that. All that will payback someday. As they say do good and good will come to you. God notices and he rewards.

At the same time always keep your eyes, heart and mind open.